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Ending My Obsessive Warped Journey

I've been up and down and all over the scale my whole adult life.  I have come to realize that it is not the plan that I am on that isn't working, it's my head that needed tweaking.  I've always been completely honest here, and I am not ashamed of anything that has happened in my life....It has all been a learning experience.  My highest weight was 252.  That was...I wanna say 10 years ago maybe?  My sister and I joined Weight Watchers and I lost 50 pounds in just under a year.  I didn't do it the correct way.  I restricted. I juggled.  I deprived myself.  I could gain 7 pounds in a week and shed it in 3 days.  That is not healthy.  That is not sustainable.

After I left Weight Watchers later that following year, I gained around 25 pounds back fairly quickly.  I didn't learn my lesson when I joined Weight Watchers again a few years later.  I gained and lost the same 10 pounds in the year that I was going to meetings.  I talked myself into quitting because it is expensive and I was going nowhere.  (My fault, not Weight Watchers)

Then I read up on The Ketogenic diet.  This was before Keto was big.  I had been following some Instagram accounts the ate Ketogencially and it sounded worth trying.  I lost 38 pounds in less than 3 months.  I never felt deprived.  Never wanted to binge.  Never wanted to eat most days.  I went to my annual Dr's appointment and had blood work done, and my Cholesterol was 305 (under 200 is normal), my "bad colesterol" LDL was 202 (under 100 is normal).  My Dr. asked me what was going on, and I told her about my Ketogenic way of eating, and she advised me to stop, and check numbers in 4 months.  I cried.  I didn't want to stop something that was working...something that quieted my cravings, and made me feel in control!   Before I stopped Keto, I took 3 days and ate what I had normally been eating the past 3 months, and tracked the calories.  I was eating between 750-900 calories a day.  Was this why I was losing?  I was depriving my body again?

I stopped, gained my weight back, and joined Weight Watchers once again.  By the way, my blood work went back to normal.  I am NOT saying Keto is bad.  I follow many people on IG that have been on the diet for 10 years and they levels are fine.  I've read that some people just can not do it.  That's me!!  So I lasted about 9 months on Weight Watchers, and quit after doing the same thing I used to do, losing, gaining, and going now where!  I was at a loss!  I floundered for about  a year.  Juggling, calorie counting, and even doing Keto again. (I know....I was desperate)  Now it is March of this year and I decided to join WW Online.  I thought, this time is going to be different.  This time I will do it the right way!  When I started March 11th, I was 226  2 weeks ago I was 214.  It's been the same these past 5 months, even though I tried hard to change my way of thinking, I didn't.

Two weeks ago, I had an Epiphany I was with my Sis and daughter Blayne and we were discussing weight, exercise, and food,  like we always do, and after talking and sharing, and getting all of my frustrations out, I realized that I HAVE TO STOP THINKING OF FOOD AS GOOD FOOD AND BAD FOOD.  This is my entire problem.  It always has been.  A peanut-butter and jelly sandwich is not "BAD FOOD".  It isn't blowing your diet.  In my warped mind, if I ate this sandwich, I would binge on whatever I could find that was also a "bad food".  It's not bad.  It's just a fricken sandwich! This realization hit me hard and I realized that I just need to try to eat healthy, watch my quantities, and remember that it is just FOOD.  Not GOOD, not BAD...Just FOOD!

These past 2 weeks, with the help of a Pact with my Sis and Blayne, I have been cutting out the 4-C's.
Cake, Cookies, Candy and Chips.  I have been successful and this morning I stepped on the scale and I went from 214 to 205.  I didn't restrict anything else, my calories have been around 1200-1300 as per My Fitness Pal.  Without a ton of added sugar in my diet, my cravings have been low.

What does this all mean?  I don't know, but what I do know is my entire adult life I've been consumed with weight and food, and I am tired of it.  I've said this before on here, but I am really going to try to make my life my priority.  My family, my friends, my church family, and my job.  Weight will be secondary.  I am ready to stop obsessing over it all.  I am going to watch The 4 C's....Watch my portions.....And just eat healthy!

Oh, and these past 2 weeks, I even had 2 Peanut-Butter and Jelly Sandwiches....On real bread!!

xoxo
~L
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