My Dad (Part One Of The Trifecta)

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.   I have been struggling for a while now and I feel it is time for me to come to this space, that has in the past, been a safe place for me to jot down my thoughts, my feelings, my goals and just my day to day life fun, and finally get it all out.  Even if no one reads this, It really helps to get things out...it is therapeutic for me, and I felt it's worth a try sharing my struggles so hopefully I can overcome them and finally get on with my life.

I am going to separate this into three different posts so it isn't overwhelming to read.  This first post is titled, My Dad because it all began with him.  

My Dad was the head of our family.  He and my Mom were together since the 9th grade.  He was kind, quiet, loving and caring, and extremally  generous, and now he is gone.  He just had his 76th birthday on September 26th, and passed away on November 27, 2019.  He passed suddenly, and left us all alone wondering why.  He had been sick for months, off and on.  Chest congestion, out of breath, tired.  He started losing his appetite.  He had many tests done and they couldn’t find anything unusual.  I took him to the hospital on November 6^th after he called me thinking he was having a heart attack.  He had history of heart problems so was always in the back of his mind.   After weeks of trying to find out what was going on, we transferred him to Cleveland Clinic and he passed away a few days later.  I had seen him the day before he passed and the Dr. and nurses were preparing for him to go home soon.  Greg told me after seeing him, that he wouldn’t be coming home.  He could see something we couldn’t.  My Dad called me from the clinic at 3:00 the day after we visited, and told me where his important papers where, he told me to sell the vehicles and the house and take care of our Mom.   I was crying and  said ok,  but you are coming home soon.  He told me that he wanted to be moved back home so he could be closer to us kids.  I told him we would make arrangements.  He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him and we hung up the phone.  I got a call two hours later from the Dr telling me that he passed away.  Alone.  In a hospital almost two hours away.  In a hospital alone.  This has always haunted me....Alone.  I talked to my boss, who was my priest at the time, and he told me that he wasn’t’ alone…that God was there with him.  It gives me peace thinking about that, but I have to force myself to think of that instead of the fact the he was alone, in a hospital.

I know that I have written about this before, and I am sorry if it's a downer post, but I feel I need to talk about it…to get it out.  I tend to push this memory away when I began thinking of that month of November, and of him.  I push it away so I don’t have to deal with it…So I don’t cry.  I don’t think that I have actually delt with his death yet.  Too much has happened since I got that phone call, in Greg’s truck, coming home from eating Chinese Food, on my way to give my Momma her dinner.

My Dad and Mom early 2019

My Mom and Dad in Canada 17 years old.

xoxo