Sorry this is going to be a little long. I almost spit it up in 2 posts but they all go together so I just put it all in one. Bear with me :)
I've been struggling to loose weight since the birth of my first child, my daughter. She is 28. That is a long time. A long time to think about something. A long time to have something the center of your life. It's just a long time. I have lost and gained weight, but never getting down to where I should be. I was always around 135 in high school. I was a cheerleader, strong, always burned off anything I ate because I was very active. I don't want to get there now. I'm not in high school anymore and I wouldn't even look good being that low. I'd like to be 160. That is the number that I have been in my head for years now. The closest I have gotten is 199 and that is always Christmas time. I can't seem to get closer.
I was talking about this with my sister at the salon yesterday. I told her that I am having a mental fight with myself lately. I'm sure we all get this way sometimes. Mentally telling myself that I'm tired of not being like normal people, always watching what I eat. Tired of constantly thinking about food and weather or not I'm going to splurge when I go out next. Constantly planning my next binge. Blah blah, poor Lori.
Here's whats happening. I do well all day. No problems staying on track. Night time comes and I am up and down constantly getting food....after Greg is asleep of course. Then the next morning I wake up sick, mentally and physically. Then it starts all over again. I told my sister this and how it is making me feel like such a failure and it is making me depressed. I can't seem to stop this loop of insanity. She, being the smart woman that she is who knows me better than I know myself, told me to stop and think about all the things that I have changed since starting my blog, since really starting my weight loss journey.
I've joined WW. My meetings are Friday's at noon. I am taking time for myself to better myself. Spending money on me. Not on my kids. CHANGE!
I meet on Wednesdays with my wonderful support group. Taking time again for myself. This is at night even and I leave Greg. CHANGE!
I am eating fruits and vegetables. CHANGE!
I am drinking more water. CHANGE!
I am walking....a lot. CHANGE!
I am not going completely off track all day every day. CHANGE!
I am eating more. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. CHANGE!
Sometimes we are so focused on the number, the end result and getting there, that we don't see small changes happen. We feel sorry for ourselves because we haven't gotten "there" yet. The new WW plan is all about Beyond the Scale. Thinking about this all, I have had many NSV (non scale victories) Sometimes all we think about are the negative things and they really can bring you down farther and farther. I try to be a positive person, but sometimes I forget about myself. I remembered what a woman at my WW meeting said one time when someone was complaining that she was out to dinner and was mad that she couldn't be normal like everyone else around her who were eating anything they wanted. The lady spoke up and said...."don't you see....you are the normal one. Those people you saw eating anything they wanted, they either are not normal because most people now a days are more careful, or maybe this is those peoples special day, their cheat day". That made me think. You never know what you are seeing. My sister for example eats out and mostly makes good choices, but there are times when she eats pizza and wings. If someone saw her out, they would be like...oh must be nice to eat anything you want and not worry. What they don't know is that my sister works hard to maintain her maintenance. She lost 40 plus pound on WW about 5 years or so ago and has kept it off. Those people out don't know that so we judge and compare. I do this. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and comparing myself with others. I need to remember all of the amazing changes that I have made. Sure I'm not down to where I wanted to be after Christmas, but at least I am still trying. Still working it. Sometimes numbers are really just numbers.
I started thinking about what I needed to get refocused, because although I like my changes I've made, unless I stop that loop of insanity I mentioned above, I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever. I started thinking about something my friend Kelly, from my support group, always says.
"Remember your why."
It's been so long that I really can't remember why I started trying to lose weight. In the beginning, oh so many years ago, I'm sure it was because I had my first 2 babies and I wanted my body back. Yesterday my sister asked me if I could say right now what my "why" is what would it be without thinking. I couldn't answer. I don't know what my why is. Sure I want to look better and feel better. But I need something more specific in order to be able to focus on that "why" when I'm struggling. After a while, what popped into my mind was a few small things. Silly and trivial for some, but these are what my "why" is......
* I want to be able to wear jeans and a t-shirt.
Ok, so I can wear these now, but the t-shirt is so big because it needs to cover my big middle, and the jeans are made for big women, and the makers all think that just because you have a big waist, that you have big legs and a big butt. I don't, so in jeans, I look like a big ole sloppy mess, which is why I never wear them!
* I want to be able to walk down a flight of stairs.
No railing. Not sideways. Straight, forward down a flight of stairs.
* I want to be able to do a head stand.
Silly, but I have no core muscles and I'm working on that. Yay Pilates!
* I want to be able to walk a 5K and not be winded or puke.
Yeah, self explanatory.
* I want to be able to lie on the floor and get up without using my hands
Again, silly but it would be big.
So, now I have my "why". The in-my-heart reasons why I want to make changes in my body. Some of these require weight loss. Some just require getting in shape. Both go hand in hand and I am ready to stop that loop to finally make this happen!
What is your "why"??
xoxo
I've been struggling to loose weight since the birth of my first child, my daughter. She is 28. That is a long time. A long time to think about something. A long time to have something the center of your life. It's just a long time. I have lost and gained weight, but never getting down to where I should be. I was always around 135 in high school. I was a cheerleader, strong, always burned off anything I ate because I was very active. I don't want to get there now. I'm not in high school anymore and I wouldn't even look good being that low. I'd like to be 160. That is the number that I have been in my head for years now. The closest I have gotten is 199 and that is always Christmas time. I can't seem to get closer.
I was talking about this with my sister at the salon yesterday. I told her that I am having a mental fight with myself lately. I'm sure we all get this way sometimes. Mentally telling myself that I'm tired of not being like normal people, always watching what I eat. Tired of constantly thinking about food and weather or not I'm going to splurge when I go out next. Constantly planning my next binge. Blah blah, poor Lori.
Here's whats happening. I do well all day. No problems staying on track. Night time comes and I am up and down constantly getting food....after Greg is asleep of course. Then the next morning I wake up sick, mentally and physically. Then it starts all over again. I told my sister this and how it is making me feel like such a failure and it is making me depressed. I can't seem to stop this loop of insanity. She, being the smart woman that she is who knows me better than I know myself, told me to stop and think about all the things that I have changed since starting my blog, since really starting my weight loss journey.
I've joined WW. My meetings are Friday's at noon. I am taking time for myself to better myself. Spending money on me. Not on my kids. CHANGE!
I meet on Wednesdays with my wonderful support group. Taking time again for myself. This is at night even and I leave Greg. CHANGE!
I am eating fruits and vegetables. CHANGE!
I am drinking more water. CHANGE!
I am walking....a lot. CHANGE!
I am not going completely off track all day every day. CHANGE!
I am eating more. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. CHANGE!
I started thinking about what I needed to get refocused, because although I like my changes I've made, unless I stop that loop of insanity I mentioned above, I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever. I started thinking about something my friend Kelly, from my support group, always says.
"Remember your why."
It's been so long that I really can't remember why I started trying to lose weight. In the beginning, oh so many years ago, I'm sure it was because I had my first 2 babies and I wanted my body back. Yesterday my sister asked me if I could say right now what my "why" is what would it be without thinking. I couldn't answer. I don't know what my why is. Sure I want to look better and feel better. But I need something more specific in order to be able to focus on that "why" when I'm struggling. After a while, what popped into my mind was a few small things. Silly and trivial for some, but these are what my "why" is......
* I want to be able to wear jeans and a t-shirt.
Ok, so I can wear these now, but the t-shirt is so big because it needs to cover my big middle, and the jeans are made for big women, and the makers all think that just because you have a big waist, that you have big legs and a big butt. I don't, so in jeans, I look like a big ole sloppy mess, which is why I never wear them!
* I want to be able to walk down a flight of stairs.
No railing. Not sideways. Straight, forward down a flight of stairs.
* I want to be able to do a head stand.
Silly, but I have no core muscles and I'm working on that. Yay Pilates!
* I want to be able to walk a 5K and not be winded or puke.
Yeah, self explanatory.
* I want to be able to lie on the floor and get up without using my hands
Again, silly but it would be big.
So, now I have my "why". The in-my-heart reasons why I want to make changes in my body. Some of these require weight loss. Some just require getting in shape. Both go hand in hand and I am ready to stop that loop to finally make this happen!
What is your "why"??
xoxo
*Hugs* Finding your "why" is SO important, and I love that you acknowledged how that why has changed over time (we talk about this all the time in my WW meeting). I also love how you brought up even small things, like getting up off the floor without using your hands. (I have a similar one, to get off the floor without getting on my knees first!) You're doing great!
ReplyDeleteThose are not silly WHYs. They are so very important. It has been years since I can get out of a low comfy chair without holding onto the arms. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I do it, I think about how I used to not have to do it and how nice it would be to just be able to get up without the support. When the small everyday goals are achieved, it makes such a huge difference to motivation and to acceptance of the achievement. Go you!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post. We need to remember the progress that we HAVE made and keep our eye on the prize!!
ReplyDelete"Remember your why" is such a great idea! I feel a new blog post coming on, ha ha. And your sister sounds like a very supportive person, which is great!
ReplyDeleteOh the Why's .. I loved that you went there!! My why's .. Wait I should just write a big blog post but really this is in response to yours ...
ReplyDeleteWell when I lost weight in 2008 besides always wanting to and seeing pics of myself at Cody's graduation , it was squeezing into the seats of a roller coaster.. Ugh . I wanted to be able to go to Cedar Point and not worry if I could ride the rides . I succeeded when I lost 55 lbs .. Why oh why did I let that go and gain back at least 35. Did Cedar Point twice!
Why? I wanted to run... My legs are awful even when thin .. Not whining or complaining but I have opposite problem of you . Big big legs and thighs and to get jeans to fit the waist is too big usually -- when I lost the weight I trained to run and did -- again I let that go -- talk about failure
So now my whys ?
To get back to near where I was so my clothes fit and so I can wear leggings and boots ( that fit over my fat calves)
Why? Because my son is getting married in Sept and I don't want Sept to come and for me to be so mad at myself for not.
I want my kids and family to be proud of me and mostly I want to be proud of myself
Well those are a few
You are inspiring and most def positive and I love your blog!!
The why is important, that's for sure. Nobody's why is silly, either. It's different for everyone. I struggle too with just wanting to be like a normal person and not forever keeping track of what I eat. I have learned that's just a fact of life for me, whether I like it or not.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean Lori --I started this in 2012 and see its been four years I lose the same 10-12 lbs and gain them. Not happy really!
ReplyDeleteI also feel this that WHY do I need to count my calories or points?? Why do I end up taking off sooner from birthdays so that I do not binge?
It's really not easy. I mean it is a mental thing for us all. I just hope that we make this year count!!!!
Night is my enemy too--infact I'm overweight cos I parties the nights I did not sleep.
Nice goals and I know you will kill it :)
I insist you come on snapchat it will be fun motivating each other :)
What a fantastic post. I have been allowing myself some "I just want to be normal" pity lately and guess what, it doesn't help. I try to remember when I see others I only see that moment, I have no idea how hard they work on it. Thanks for being so open and honest :)
ReplyDelete