This is My Life

As you can tell, a big part of me finding myself, is my weight problem.  It is one of the things I am hoping to change this year.  It is one of the things that I feel is not really me.  I am an older, wiser, empty-nester who isn't defined by her food, and who doesn't need food to turn to.  By finding who I am now, I am hoping to change my eating habits, with no reason to binge, no reason to eat my boredom or my stress away.  On Friday I took a big step in that direction and I wanted to tell you all about it.  I was getting my groceries, which is an all day event for me because I like to shop at a few different stores.  I like different products at different stores.  Besides getting my groceries, on Fridays, I usually brows consignment stores and TJ Max and stuff too, and you all know that takes time :)   Anyway,  I went to the gym and started out great with my food.  I did wonderful actually all day, until I hit the last grocery store.  They have the most delicious cream filled donuts there and usually they are all out, but Friday, they had three left.  I immediately, before thinking grab all three and put them in a bag.  Now, do you ever just eat something or buy something without remember that you are watching your calories??  I do that sometimes.  I  buy and eat like I am a 100 pound teenager.  I just forget.  So, as I was moving along, I began thinking.  What the crap am I doing?  Do I really want these??  YES.  I should just put them back.  NO.  I didn't.  Instead I built up this entire scenario about stocking up on my binge foods and eating them all that night (after Greg went to bed of course).  I got so excited about the thought of doing this that I began shopping just for that night.  Caramels are one of my down falls, so I bought some in the bulk section.  A bulk bag of  red coins, and three candy bars made their way into my cart, along with two different Hostess products, because cream filled anything is my dirty little secret.  I had also bought Greg some goodies for the week that I knew I could get into and replenish before he even knew.  All throughout the store tho, I kept going back and forth about doing this.  Yes I want to eat.  It will be so fun and satisfying, mental and emotionally, and it's going to taste so good.  No I don't want to eat because I just worked out, did good with my food, and I know how bad I will feel  when the night is over and the food is gone. So guess what?  I caved.  I purchased everything in my cart and added a slice of pizza and a Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke on the way out for the ride home.  I always think, if I'm going to do it, I might as well do it up good.  That's my all or nothing problem I told you about earlier.  Any way, I actually couldn't wait to get into my car to scarf down my pizza.  I took a bite, took a drink of my Diet Coke, and do you know what happened??  Well,  I really still don't know, but something just hit me.  I think just the thought of the binge was the fun thing, and when I tried, I just couldn't.  I dumped out the Diet Coke, and smashed the pizza up in the container and tied it up in a bag, just so I couldn't change my mind.  I began to drive home thinking of the donuts that were packed away.  I began frantically reaching for them in the back seat.  I wanted them so badly.  I took one out and just looked at it.  (All while driving by the way which is do dangerous.)  I thought about the pizza and just, for whatever reason, decided that I didn't want to do this.  I smashed up all three donuts in their bag,  so I couldn't change my mind, found all three candy bars, bulk items and the Hostess Cakes and put them in a grocery bag that I had emptied.  I quickly pulled into a Burger King and just threw everything away.  Now, I don't like wasting food, but this was like my drug, so I didn't feel guilty about throwing drugs away.  I began driving and felt so good about myself.  No, I didn't have that fun binge to look forward to, but I had Greg at home and a quiet night with a movie and then my Kindle to look forward to.  I used to binge after Greg, who goes to bed at 9:00 most nights, and my kids went to bed after a long busy day of kid/teen stuff.   It was my time.  My hobby.  My fun thing that I had to look forward to.  What I am beginning to learn is,  I don't need that now, because all day it is my time.  I don't have to share it with my kids or even Greg, because I am a person.  I am important.  I am putting myself first.  I am Lori and it is my day, my time, and my life. :)

xoxo

"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, 

you absolutely, positively have the power to change."

~Bill Phillips