I've been struggling to loose weight since the birth of my first child, my daughter. She is 28. That is a long time. A long time to think about something. A long time to have something the center of your life. It's just a long time. I have lost and gained weight, but never getting down to where I should be. I was always around 135 in high school. I was a cheerleader, strong, always burned off anything I ate because I was very active. I don't want to get there now. I'm not in high school anymore and I wouldn't even look good being that low. I'd like to be 160. That is the number that I have been in my head for years now. The closest I have gotten is 199 and that is always Christmas time. I can't seem to get closer.
I was talking about this with my sister at the salon yesterday. I told her that I am having a mental fight with myself lately. I'm sure we all get this way sometimes. Mentally telling myself that I'm tired of not being like normal people, always watching what I eat. Tired of constantly thinking about food and weather or not I'm going to splurge when I go out next. Constantly planning my next binge. Blah blah, poor Lori.
Here's whats happening. I do well all day. No problems staying on track. Night time comes and I am up and down constantly getting food....after Greg is asleep of course. Then the next morning I wake up sick, mentally and physically. Then it starts all over again. I told my sister this and how it is making me feel like such a failure and it is making me depressed. I can't seem to stop this loop of insanity. She, being the smart woman that she is who knows me better than I know myself, told me to stop and think about all the things that I have changed since starting my blog, since really starting my weight loss journey.
I've joined WW. My meetings are Friday's at noon. I am taking time for myself to better myself. Spending money on me. Not on my kids. CHANGE!
I meet on Wednesdays with my wonderful support group. Taking time again for myself. This is at night even and I leave Greg. CHANGE!
I am eating fruits and vegetables. CHANGE!
I am drinking more water. CHANGE!
I am walking....a lot. CHANGE!
I am not going completely off track all day every day. CHANGE!
I am eating more. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. CHANGE!
I started thinking about what I needed to get refocused, because although I like my changes I've made, unless I stop that loop of insanity I mentioned above, I'm going to be stuck at this weight forever. I started thinking about something my friend Kelly, from my support group, always says.
"Remember your why."
It's been so long that I really can't remember why I started trying to lose weight. In the beginning, oh so many years ago, I'm sure it was because I had my first 2 babies and I wanted my body back. Yesterday my sister asked me if I could say right now what my "why" is what would it be without thinking. I couldn't answer. I don't know what my why is. Sure I want to look better and feel better. But I need something more specific in order to be able to focus on that "why" when I'm struggling. After a while, what popped into my mind was a few small things. Silly and trivial for some, but these are what my "why" is......
* I want to be able to wear jeans and a t-shirt.
Ok, so I can wear these now, but the t-shirt is so big because it needs to cover my big middle, and the jeans are made for big women, and the makers all think that just because you have a big waist, that you have big legs and a big butt. I don't, so in jeans, I look like a big ole sloppy mess, which is why I never wear them!
* I want to be able to walk down a flight of stairs.
No railing. Not sideways. Straight, forward down a flight of stairs.
* I want to be able to do a head stand.
Silly, but I have no core muscles and I'm working on that. Yay Pilates!
* I want to be able to walk a 5K and not be winded or puke.
Yeah, self explanatory.
* I want to be able to lie on the floor and get up without using my hands
Again, silly but it would be big.
So, now I have my "why". The in-my-heart reasons why I want to make changes in my body. Some of these require weight loss. Some just require getting in shape. Both go hand in hand and I am ready to stop that loop to finally make this happen!
What is your "why"??